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Love and be loved

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  • ligemst
    ligemst 1 cheers 2017-05-11 15:16:09

    Wife Report Card

    I was supposed to do this last week, but I did not. In my Women's Bible study, we had a Wife Report Card. Yeah. It focused on 8 areas, which were things that were covered in the Intentional Women Bible Study.

    They were:

    • Sober/Sound Minded

    • Love Husband

    • Love Children

    • Discreet

    • Chaste

    • Keeper at Home

    • Good/Kind

    • Submissive

    There were definitions for each of these and it was supposed to be his perceptions or how he sees me. I would have rated myself differently than what he did, in fact, quite differently except for 1 item.

    The ones that aren't highlighted were the things I do well, close to perfect for him, as perfect as an imperfect person could get.

    However, the things I got rated pretty low on were the things I highlighted. I couldn't help it, but tears began to flow down my face profusely not because they were low but because he didn't think I had made a lot of improvements in these areas in the past 9 months I've been doing this study. I knew there was still a lot of work to be done here, but I asked him to be honest with me and it really hurt.

    But, the thing is, these were the 3 areas that I had been focusing on and really trying really hard because I knew they were issues with me. I also didn't see myself as really too kind of a person, but he said I am really a good/kind person generally and it's only when I'm super angry that I might not be, but even then, I'm still kind, way kinder than he is.

    He said he could tell me what I wanted to hear, but how would that benefit me. He recounted many times I was not those 3 highlighted areas. It's really a challenge to hear feedback you didn't want to hear. He had to rate me on a scale of 1 to 5, 5 being the best.

    Let's just say the scores weren't good nor did they really improve hardly from the past 9 months. Though I may not say as much, he says keeping it inside of me until at some point I explode is not good. It's just causing anger and resentment to build up.

    Though I could name many instances were I was better than what he perceived, because I was intentionally making a point to be these 3 things, he didn't see it that way.

    He said it all came down to me NOT LISTENING and being REACTIVE. If I would truly listen and not be reactive, being opened to listening - not speaking or thinking about what to say, and really hear, he said I would be great in these 3 things.

    Even writing this, I feel like crying. However, it's feedback for me to use it to improve as a person. I have and am seeing improvements in my marriage where it was once not that way. I have learned to control my tongue much more and not just spew out stuff at any cost or at any time.

    A couple weeks or so ago, I began without him telling me, to work on my internal dialogue, which can be quite not good. When that internal dialogue, those conversations in my head, are good, then I believe these other things will be much better.

    He said that when I am emotional, all logic goes out the door. It's true. It's sometimes hard to accept that we aren't as good in some areas of our lives that we think we are, which is the case with me.

    Humble pie, but I am willing to change. I am willing to listen and not speak and to turn off that internal dialogue to truly hear what my husband, kids and others are saying to me and respond appropriately.

    I guess as I look at society, even I have elements of all the yucky stuff going on in my own life. I don't want to be the craziness society is and I want to be true not just on the outside, but inside of me. Lots of work, but I aim that this time next year, even though I may not get all 5s, that they will all be 4s and 5s. And for those things I did get 5s on, to maintain them.

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    • wyverndust
      wyverndust 2 cheers 2017-05-13 08:22:49

      @ligemst do you get to criticize him and give him a report card too? this upsets me a great deal because I know you give 110% to everything you do. I don't like thinking that the person you love the most is hurting you with criticism and not recognizing your efforts. Although my partner often tells me that I don't listen. I do listen I just have a mind of my own and I have to learn the hard way sometimes. It should not be a one way street and you should get credit for your substantial efforts.

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      • ligemst
        ligemst Doing 2 cheers 2017-05-13 16:46:06

        @wyverndust No, he does not get to give me a report card. Each of us wives and mothers in my Bible study were to give the "Wife Report Card" to our husbands and ask for honest feedback.

        Though his report card of me for 3 items did make me cry, it did make me realize that I am not that great of a listener not just to him, but to our kids and others. It's a challenge to get hard feedback, but I really want to improve and though I give my all when I set a goal, I really fell short here.

        IF I would just LISTEN before I react, I think I would do MUCH better with each of those 3 things and I aim to do just that. It's against my nature, but I want to continually become a better person.

        I have calmed down the past 2-3 yrs, but I still have a ways to go. I sort of repress my feelings some, so then it just builds up. I need to be able to effectively discuss my issues without becoming all emotionally crazy, then I don't make a whole lot of sense.

        The persons I become the most emotionally crazy with are my husband and kids. They get the best of me, but they also get the worst of me. With these 3 goals, I need to be very aware of what I'm doing and feeling, and be very intentional if I'm going to make progress on them.

        I was asking HIM for feedback. He wasn't asking for my feedback. Sometimes he does and I tell him and it's not always negative. It's never been in the form of like a piece of paper with a rating system like I gave him for me. I solicited that information and feedback from him. It's all good.

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