246 miles.

241 miles.

238 miles.

230 miles.

217 miles

Sigh. I have fallen down on the job here, and have put on a few pounds as a result.

Like my guided meditation keeps telling me:
I will gently bring back my attention to this.

No dessert at the seder (which is good because I had lots of wine, which is lots of sugar on its own). The more choices I am able to make like that, the less sugar I will consume, and the better off I'll be.

I have done very little right in the last few days, but at least I didn't eat dessert at the end of winter (ha ha sigh) party.

Boo: I had half a donut
Yay: I didn't have a whole donut.
Boo: The next day, I had a muffin.
Yay: I ate a healthy dinner with veggies and protein, and no dessert.

I brought bananas, apples, and radishes up on the business trip. It paid off! When I was horribly bored in the late afternoon, crunching on the radishes was just as good as eating a cookie.
I wish I had more radishes today!

All these things I have to get better at doing for successful meditation are things I have to do for a happier life: notice thoughts or concerns without judgement, let any distractions just gently pass without judgement, gently bring myself back to focus on the present task, just accept and don't resist.

I bought access to Headspace for a year. $72 plus tax, but I dare say it's worth the expense.
I think I had my first benefit of meditation outside the actual time spent meditating today: I started unproductively ruminating on an anxiety-laden topic (as I am often wont to do), and I stopped myself, let it travel past me like the rest of my brain traffic, and brought my attention gently back to my breath.

I love this phrase Headspace guy uses again and again "bring your attention gently back to x". I have to approach my goals this way: Ate a bag of chocolate chip cookies? Don't berate myself for it, just bring my attention gently back to my eat less sugar goal. If that's what works best for meditation, that may be what works best for everything.

Such bliss. My 10 minute oasis in the morning.

I finished the beginner's streak on Headspace and now am trying a few other guided meditation apps. (It's $72 dollars for the year for Headspace to access all the items; I want to make sure the purchase is actually worth it before I commit.)

The second app I am trying is ok, but I enjoy the voice less and it has background music which I find a bit distracting. The biggest drawback, though, is that it has less than a third of the meditations that Headspace offers. I'm going to finish the 7 day starter course on it, and then I'm going to move on to the third app to see how that is.

The sitting by the highway and not jumping into every car that passes by metaphor is really working for me!

I have finished 7 days on Headspace. Looking forward to day 8.

One tiny movement towards this:

I got rid of two "just in case" binders I've been keeping. Even if I could use them in the future, someone else needs them more. I gave them to a person in my temple who will include them in the school supplies donations she coordinates in late summer.

I was as ruthless as I could be with my summer clothes when I was packing them up for basement storage. If I had doubts whether I was going to keep it, away it should go.

The hardest thing today: I discarded a work item I've not used for 10 years, but it was an item that defined where I was in my career 10 years ago, when I felt so much better about my work.
Of course, keeping this item isn't what I need, feeling better about my career is what I need. But it was still hard to discard it.

One baby step at a time, I'll try to keep removing unused items from my home.

When I bring up the winter clothes, I am going to try to pare down as much of my summer duds as possible. I have so much in my closet that I don't wear much. It's time to streamline.

LOL!
I discarded one thing yesterday.
It was a car map of California.
I have not lived in California for 11 years.
I have not used a paper map (even one of the state I live in now) to navigate in over 4 years.
Honestly, Rose Wilder, what in the world was I thinking keeping that?

April 1-15 goal grades:

Walking: A-
I've upped my mileage compared to winter (no surprise there, but it's still great to have done.)

Less sugar: F
I have ignored this, and have put on a few pounds as a result. Boo!!!!

Meditating: A+ !!!!!
I don't think I've ever given myself an A+ before on a goal grade. Thanks to my guided meditation app, I am meditating every day, and it feels so good!

Revising my manuscript: C
I have done some, but nowhere near enough. I will strive to make up for that in the second half of April.

Declutter: hahahahahah.
F is not a low enough grade to make clear just how much I have failed here.

I have to check if I have this goal here already, if not, I need to make a new one: use my time wisely/ how do I want to spend my precious time in this precious life?/ use my leisure time wisely. Because I feel like I'm wasting away my time/ days/ leisure in some ways. When I'm not doing things for other people, and I'm not working towards goals, I'm still too damn much on the damn internet, pissing away my time. I get it- I'm tired from doing for everyone else and myself, so I go for the least demanding activity where I can sit like a lump, but it isn't giving me joy. I need to give myself more joy in the small amounts of time I can devote to joy, not piss it away with other people's thoughts on social media sites or other internet crap I waste my time on.
This site, of course, doesn't count- it's crucial to reflection and making progress on my goals. I'm talking about reddit, facebook, jezebel, other nonsense.

Onward and upward to a productive, joyful second half of April!

I am so hopeful for April! Even though we are having another snow again soon, spring is officially here, and I am going to revel in it!

February 2018 was not as good as January 2018. I made less progress on my goals, AND had less fun.
February was hard.
March has the potential for hope.
Onward and upward to making 2018 my best year yet!

One month down, eleven to go!
My progress report for the second-half of January:

Walk 900 miles in 2018: A-
I went in a bit under quota for the first month, (67 miles instead of 75) but winter is always the hardest time to get out there. I am sure I will make up the small difference when spring comes.

Write 15,000 words towards my novel in January: B
-
I wrote a little less the second half of January than I did the first half of January, but nonetheless, I am still proud of my 9,600 words for the month. It feels sooooo good to be writing semi-frequently again.

Eat less sugar: C+
This is going to take a long time to do. I am definitely eating less sugar, which technically is the goal, but I know I have a long way to go towards maintaining it in any kind of consistent manner.

Meditate: C+
I still need to make this a more frequent, consistent practice. That being said, I am gaining a lot from the times I do it.

Declutter: F

Nope! Clutter reigns. Perhaps making progress on 4 big goals is all I can do at once. But hope springs eternal!

I am reasonably pleased with the progress I am making in most of my goals (although I am a tough grader), and I am very hopeful for further progress in February!

Half of the first month of 2018 is over.
My report card:

Walk 900 miles in 2018: A +
I've walked 41 miles so far! I'm ahead of schedule.

Write 15,000 words towards my novel in January: B
5,509 words in January so far. I need to up the frequency of my writing to make this goal, but I can still make it. Frankly, given my past non-writing, I'm thrilled that I'm writing any amount at all. I feel really good about this.

Eat less sugar: C
I have started to reduce my sugar intake somewhat. But it's too new to give myself more than a C. If I am still maintaining the (admittedly small) sugar reduction in the second half of January, I'll revise my grade, because honestly, even the small reduction is HARD.

Meditate: B-
I'm doing more moments of breathing and feeling the sensations in my body, which is good, but it's not often enough and not rigorous enough of a practice.

Declutter: F
I can't find my Y card because my bedroom is in such disarray. I have not made any progress towards this goal.

Not horrible, I suppose. Onward and upward for the second half of January!

1. Headspace, the app.


2. Progress revising my manuscript - not a great deal, but slow and steady wins the race.


3. I had to wear a winter jacket and gloves, but at least I didn't have to wear a hood. (Come on, spring!)


4. Beautiful bright forsythia, despite the cold.


5. The best is yet to come.

1. Five little squirrels eating seeds on my back porch today!


2. My neighbors haven't run me out of town yet for feeding the squirrels.


3. L nicknaming me "Squirrel".


4. Good friends.


5. Great fun.

1. Two and a half hours just for me.


2. Guided meditation is soooo much better than trying to go it on my own.


3. Soft, furry Cat pillow.


4. Three loads of laundry dried and folded.


5. Options.

1. A little perspective


2. Aching muscles (because I was strong enough to shovel all the snow)


3. Closeness with my cousin


4. A comfy chair


5. Cat breath

1. A big crowd at the anti-NRA rally despite the secondary locale.


2. The older lady's perfect response to the anger and bullying of the two counter-protestors suffering from toxic masculinity: laughter. Her laughing at them worked better than reason or appeal to civility. I must remember that.


3. Hearing articulate, intelligent teenagers take the political lead.


4. An amazing singer/ guitarist playing at the bar. So much talent!


5. A glass of merlot and a conversation with a friend. Heaven.

I just wrote an entry in my eat less sugar goal which said I've done little right in the last few days but at least I didn't eat dessert at the party.

Luckily, I realized that self-loathing is my fear employing its misguided attempt to help me. My fear that I'm not doing enough, that I'm not good enough, that if I don't do more and do better, I'm going to regret a life wasted in misery.

Hey, fear? Self-loathing? I want you to listen to me carefully:
Thanks, but no thanks. Here's the thing. I get that you mean well, in your own twisted way. I really do. But I've made lots of progress in understanding that a) you are actually making me MORE miserable than whatever future you fear for me, and b) I simply don't need you to keep me safe and productive and happy. Also, your ideas of what levels of productivity are necessary to a happy life are WAY off. You are just plain wrong.
I'll be fine, I promise. I won't end up homeless or in a hoarder's hovel, or sobbing every day. Stop worrying so much. You are actually making things worse, not better.

So now that I'm done with the embarrassing talking to my thoughts as if they were not actually me, I'm going to go back and reframe what I said in the eat less sugar goal:
First of all, it's not at least. It was GREAT that I didn't eat any dessert at the party. That's a great choice that I made. If I continue to make excellent choices like that, I will not only bring down my sugar consumption, but I will lose weight and feel great. I should celebrate this act, not say, "Oh, it's not enough, and I'll just screw it up soon anyway."
Second of all, that's not the ONLY thing I've done right in the last few days. Admittedly, I did not spend my time in a very productive way, but that one not so great thing does not counter all the good things I've done. Off the top of my head, I walked a few miles, I did laundry and dishes, I took Tadpole to see the movie she wanted, I got one work project almost done, and I made my spouse happy and connected with him.

(Oh my gosh, self-loathing, cut it out! Stop saying "You didn't walk enough miles, you didn't do enough cleaning, you failed Tadpole in other ways." Even if that's true, it's NOT HELPFUL. Gee whiz!)

I should start making a point of noting all the things I did right, just as I make a point of noting all the things I'm grateful for. Funny how I can be grateful for what others do, but not for what I do.

Sigh. There is still so much inner work to be done.

The blizzard, combined with the single digit temperatures, is making it more difficult to thrive.

We went back to the indoor pool today, which was a good idea, and a great way to exercise without freezing.

I am going to try to find more little ways of self-care like this through the rest of the week with these frigid temperatures,

Today is the last day of my existence as a 47 year old. How can I turn 48 years old when I feel like I'm only 20? I am continually amazed by the passage of time, even though it is the most regular phenomenon in the universe.

Being in my late 40s now makes me aware of the fact that I am not really making the most of my one precious life. So often, I force myself to get all the things done I need to do, and then I don't have the energy to spend my leisure time in fulfilling ways- I just mindlessly spend it on the computer. (This site, of course, is the opposite of mindless- it helps me make the most of things.)

So I would like to make 48 the year of using my time more wisely. Not for work, as I do that already. Not even for mothering, because I'm rather good about devoting the time and energy to that. I want to use whatever time is left after working and mothering to enrich myself. Less internet, more living.

I'm using the make 2018 my best year yet goal to brainstorm a list of all the things I WANT to do, not need to do, I'm going to see about getting some kind of restrictor or timer to keep me off the internet for too long (although this would be hard because I need it for writing, and for 43 things, both of which I want to spend MORE time on, not less time. Oh! I can post a question in the post a question goal and see if anyone knows of a good add on that can block a few of the sites I tend to waste the most time on.

I want this year to be spent well.

An area of significance to my thriving or lack thereof:
I had two things happen with my work this past week (with two completely different people) that made me feel very disrespected and highlighted the fact that I am not part of either client's organization, and thus don't feel like I belong anywhere.
Well, I am not part of either client's organization, but I've been subjecting myself to both of the client's (stupid) rules and disrespect. I don't have the financial wherewithal (or the courage) to stop subjecting myself to their rules- YET- because I need their money. But I don't have to subject myself to their disrespect.
That is an issue I need to change from within, inoculating myself from caring what either stupid man in power does or thinks, and making as much of my work pleasant and finding value in myself rather than expecting any acknowledgement from them.
My friend introduced me to the idea of YET. I am not ready to breakout on my own and dump these stupid clients YET- but I will work to get ready to do so in the future. I will spend as much time as I can growing my skills and preparing myself to make it without them whilst subjecting myself to their frustrating rules and rudeness, finding other areas in my career (like speaking at conferences) in which to feel valued and expert.

I am back on track!
And I am loving it.

I feel no qualms about my recent big decision. It has increased my health and happiness. I am making better food choices, walking consistently, and I am taking steps to create positive change in my work.

Big sigh of relief to feel so good again.

Where is @loveinthecure ? I see @choosejoy 's beautiful face once in a while, but not yours!

I heart you, @loveinthecure and @choosejoy . I dreamed about you both last night. Hooray!

This whole wacky thing, all those wacky years ago, started as a way to keep in touch with loveinthecure and choosejoy (my wacky, now-long-distance neighbors). In fact- how apropos!- I started using 43T just about 10 years ago. Then we migrated to popclogs, and now I hear we're back! So here's to loveinthecure and choosejoy, and all the other wacky virtual neighbors I've come to know over the goal setting years. Cheers!

Today's task to honor myself: check workshop dates and price; email and ask if it's okay that it's a work in progress. 
(This seems minor, but it takes courage.)

Hoo boy. Apparently I have fear of rejection issues.
Last night, I dreamt the editor of my favorite literary magazine (who is really a man but was a woman in the dream) and her assistant, who for no explicable reason was Melissa McCarthy) were critiquing my manuscript. Editor was crossing out large sections of text, really pressing down hard on the pen and scribbling so you couldn't see the words anymore. I asked her to just circle the sections she thought I needed to change- it hurt my feelings that the words were figuratively and literally being obliterated- and she went to the title page and circled the whole thing, stating that it was all awful. Then, Melissa McCarthy said , "Remember when I said you should focus on poetry? That was just so you would write less words. The less words you write, the better. "
I woke up with my heart pounding in fear. I was so angry and scared, and then I realized- oh, that's why I avoid writing. Fear of rejection. Fear of not really having any talent.

I will not let that cruelty, that horrible fear win.

A-hem. Ms. Wilder, it's been 10 days since you last celebrated your minor accomplishments. Kindly proceed:

1. I sent the reimbursement application for my business travel (better late than never).


2. Walking, walking, and more walking! I've now been ramping up my exercise for almost a full month.


3. I made a conference with Tadpole's teacher to discuss some issues upon which I want to get a better handle.


4. I conducted a really great webinar on Monday. It was one of those moments of "flow", and the part of my work that I truly enjoy.


5. I boxed up all the fall/winter clothes.


6. I was supportive of my spouse despite my doubts.


7. I invited everyone to Mother's Day.


8. I was firm but loving with my daughter.

I had a conversation with an acquaintance- one that I hardly know- that yielded an excellent reminder to focus on the good. She suggested that I keep a list of accomplishments as well as the overwhelming to-do list I keep. So I'm going to do that here. It's a bit like my gratitude list, but it's focused on what I've done right or even just done. It's a great way to counter the constant feeling of "I have too much to do, I never get it done," which is an anxiety and non-honoring thought to allow to take precedence in my mind.

So, some things I did right or got done recently:

1. I completed and mailed the child care application.


2. I have walked the last 8 days in a row without missing a day.


3. I helped Frogette with her summer paperwork.


4. i made family dinner last night.


5. I completed the flyer.


6. I pitched a gig (a non- big boss gig! yay!) that was accepted. A little more moolah for me!


7. I washed the dishes.

Thoughts: it was very hard to not counter these in my mind. (i.e. "Well, maybe I did the dishes, but the kitchen floor is filthy!" or "Ooh, big deal. You made one family dinner. What about all those other times you slacked and didn't do it.")
NOPE! Please stop that, Rose Wilder. It's unnecessary and unkind. I wouldn't say those things to a friend, would I? I should treat myself as well as I treat a friend.
I am going to keep on adding to this list, a little at a time, and try to celebrate everything I put on it.

Two nightmares about my in-laws recently. A good reminder to try to honor and nurture myself when it comes to them.

Today's task to honor myself: check workshop dates and price; email and ask if it's okay that it's a work in progress. (This seems minor, but it takes courage.)

When I saw this goal, I said, "Ahhhh....."
So I'm definitely adopting it.

I've done this once before, and it was glorious. It's been too long; I want to do it again!

Does anyone have an app or a browser extension they use that tracks your time on websites and maybe restricts your time on certain websites? I think having something like that would help me use my time more wisely.

For about a week, Chrome kept steering me away from 43things because they said it wasn't a safe site. (It doesn't say that now.)

Did this happen to anyone else? Does anyone know what happened?